Ed Elf at your service as we wander down the road of cracking comedy. I love a good hearty laugh, which means I love a good joke. At Christmas, though, I find myself laughing at quite a few bad jokes. They’re the ones you find in Christmas crackers. Here are some of the best – or should that be worst?
What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum: you just can’t beat it.
How did the human cannonball lose his job?
He was fired.
Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles.
What song do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
What award goes to the best doorknocker designers?
A no bell prize.
Deep pan, crisp and even.
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy.
What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?
What do you call a reindeer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
How did Mary & Joseph know Baby Jesus’ weight at birth?
They had a weigh in a manger.
What do angry mice send each other at Christmas?
Cross mouse cards.
What do you get when you cross a cat with a chemist?
Puss in Boots.
How many letters are there in the Christmas alphabet?
25. There’s no-EL.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
What is yellow and dangerous?
Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Prancer on eBay?
They were two deer.
Why don’t you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?
He has private elf care.
Why was the Brussels sprout sent to prison?
It was a repeat offender.
What gets bigger the more you take from it?
What is the difference between outlaws and in-laws?
Outlaws are wanted.
What vegetable is small, round, can make you cry but also giggles a lot?
A tickled onion.
Why are dogs such bad dancers?
They have two left feet.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
Because it was framed.
What is the most sly and clever of pigs called?
What do you call two rows of green vegetables?
A dual cabbage way.
Why does it get hot after a football match?
Because all the fans have gone.
How do you get rid of varnish?
Take away the R.
Why did Rudolph have the complete works of Shakespeare on his top lip?
Because his nose was well red.
O camel ye faithful.
What happens when your pet frog breaks down?
It gets toad away.
What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper.
What happened to the man who stole an Advent calendar?
He got 25 days.
What do you call chess players bragging in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What has a neck and yet can’t swallow?
Why is the policeman up the tree?
He works for Special Branch.
When is a boat like a pile of snow?
When it’s adrift.
Why was the football pitch soggy?
The players had been dribbling.
Why is it getting harder to buy advent calendars?
Because their days are numbered.
He can only use the chimney in One Direction.
Why are there no jokes about turkey giblets?
Because the punchlines are offal.
What do reindeer hang on their trees?
What do you get if you cross Santa with an electronic book reader?
What’s furry and minty?
A Polo bear.
What does the Queen call her Christmas broadcast?
The One Show.
Two snowmen are stood in a field. One says: “I don’t know about you, but I can’t half smell carrots.”
Santa went to the doctors with a mince pie stuck up his bottom. The doctor said: “You’re in luck ‘cos I’ve got some cream for that.”
Knock knock. Who’s there? Hannah. Hannah who? Hannah partridge in a pear tree.
When it turns into a garage.
How much do pirates pay for their earrings?
Why did the baker stop making doughnuts?
Because he got tired of the whole business.
What’s the difference between a well-dressed man and a tired dog?
One wears a suit – the other just pants.
What do you call a woman who throws her bills on the fire?
Why did the librarian slip and fall on the library floor?
Because she was in the non-friction section.
How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They’d crack each other up.
What do you get if you cross a grass cutter with a cow?
A lawn mooer.